Never Getting My Son

She looked at the face of a sleeping Aarav. Somehow she knew he was dreaming of great things. The kind of things that were magical and fantastical, yet possible for a two year old to imagine. Smriti took one long look at the sleeping figure of her son, and breathed in a long deep breath. She always felt renewed, inspired, strong after doing this. She switched off the light and walked out of Aarav’s room closing the door behind her.


As she settled, on her bed it all came back to Smirti, like it did every night. After an hour of struggling she gave up and walked back into his room with a sleeping bag. Aayana, one word and her will broke.


“Yes, It is the mother’s responsibility to protect her child”, everyone she knew blamed her for what happened. Of course what happened was inexplicable. ” You couldn’t keep my daughter alive what is to say you won’t kill my son?” those were his last words, the last time her husband, the love of her life, the father of her twins spoke to her. That was also the day when for the first time Aarav said “I lub you mumma.” That was the first time she felt peace after four months of struggling with guilt.She wondered how could her son love the person that could not save his twin sister. “Why doesn’t he abandon me like everyone?” she thought


But to one and a half year old Aarav nothing else mattered. That is when she realised that her son needs her and she needs to be strong for him. The two months of neglect that he had faced for her grief was enough. What happened to Aayana was not her fault, she was no monster, her son wouldn’t love a monster  – would he? The courts had also granted her custody ,not that his father wanted him. He had lost his daughter, and did not want the twin as a reminder of the loss. Aarav had needed only his mother.


She had to be strong for his sake, and she tried to get over it. But still the thought, “If only I had been there, I may have been able to save Aayana”, continued to haunt her. That guilt would never go away. She could not accept that there was no explanation for it. She became sleepless, and watched over her son every night. 

“You may have taken my daughter, SIDS, but you won’t take my son.”

NOTE:  SIDS or Sudden Infant Death Syndrome happens when the baby dies suddenly in his/her sleep. There is no reason for this and any explanations have not been found by Forensic analysis. Read more about it here. For a family suffering from such a loss seeing any kind of sense is really difficult, but it is imperative for the family to stick together and take care of the mother grieving the loss of her child.




4 thoughts on “Never Getting My Son

  • It’s sad that she became sleepless. I wish people understood her helplessness though. No mother would like to be blamed for her daughter’s death. Sad story. but nicely written Jb.

    • I think some mothers deal with their guilt in a scarier way. It is really sad that the Mother gets blamed for something like this, which is inexplicable. True, no mother would want or like that

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